"You're a real jerk on Facebook"

Photo by Rami Al-zayat on Unsplash

Years ago when I was first ordained I joined a lot of clergy Facebook groups. It was a great way to connect with clergy across the country. In fact it's from those connections that I ended up serving this wonderful church in Texas. I still enjoy being a part of some of them.

In these groups there are always discussion and arguments and debates over...well everything. It's a big denomination and there's a lot of different clergy, traditions and, opinions. Really that's what makes the ELCA great. I enjoyed talking with folks about all these differences. Debating the merits of this topic or that, learning a different way of seeing things. 

However, as time went by a darker side of me began to emerge. I didn't want to just debate, I wanted to fight and win. And I didn't just want to win but, a part of me wanted to belittle and embarrass the other person. I'm not proud of this part of my personality. It's immature, vindictive, aggressive and just plain mean. I think I let it out as a way of venting all the stress of being a pastor.

Thankfully a good friend and colleague came to me and told me bluntly, "You're a real jerk on Facebook...." (Actually what he told me is "You're an ***hole on Facebook," but I didn't think that would work for a title) and they were right. My friend's language may seem crude to some, but when I looked at what I was saying on these groups, it was spot on.  Now, I'm not that way in person. I'm warm, fuzzy and friendly; a peacemaker even. It's one of my strengths as a pastor, but that's not how people were experiencing me on social media, at least in these clergy groups. I was putting out two different personas one to fellow clergy and one to the rest of the world. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't honest and it needed to change

I've done my best to mend my ways. In a couple cases I even left groups where I felt I couldn't interact in a healthy way. I will still argue a topic of course, but I've worked hard to stop being a jerk when I do. And I came to realize (much later than I should have) how we interact online is more important than ever.

More and more the only "You" that people know is your "Facebook You" (or insert your social media platform of choice). We don't see our online friends in real life as we would have seen friends in the past. So almost all we know of each other is what we type and post online. You may think you are perceived one way, because that's how you are in person. But because of how you act on social media, you may in fact be seen as a totally different person.

So here are my questions for you? Are you a living a "double life" between the real world and digital one? Are you the same person in person as you are on social media? If someone never met you and only knew you by your Facebook posts, would they see you a good and kind person or just another online "***hole?"  You may not care and that's fine, but realize there are real life consequences to what you put out in the digital world. Potential employers, clients, educators, friends and neighbors all see what you post and they'll judge you by it. You may ruin your own reputation with people before you actually ever meet. Also I think we have to answer for what we say digitally as much as for what we say physically. Even if doesn't literally come out of our mouths, Jesus still cares about it. (See Matthew 15:11-20)

So I want to encourage you, especially if you identify as a Christian, to examine what you post. I'm not saying you have to be all sunshine and butterflies or always be "nice & respectable." I just want us to be honest enough and have integrity so that what we say on Facebook is something we'd be fine with saying in person. And that what we post in a private group or page, we'd be proud to stand behind in public. Let me emphasize, this should be an exercise in SELF examination, not an opportunity to judge someone else. Jesus said attend to log of sin in your own eye first and this is what I'm calling for as well. I think doing so will help make our own lives more healthy and make social media a better place as well. It'll at least be a good start. 

What's your thoughts? Feel free to comment below.



P.S What do I mean by being a jerk online?
1. You attack people personally instead of debating a topic.

2. You use belittling language to describe those who disagree with you.

3. You automatically assume people who think differently than you are "horrible, UnChristan, etc." 

4. You appear to be an angry, aggressive "***hole". Perception is reality after all.